Same S***, Different Day
Save Our Salads. Original art by emj.
Unless you live under a rock, you have probably heard about the outbreak of cyclosporiasis currently running rampant through the U.S., causing a spate of gastrointestinal illness across the nation. The FDA thought they had found the source after Taylor Farms lettuce tested positive for the parasite. Unfortunately for wastewater management employees everywhere, they were sadly mistaken. The FDA realized that their findings were a false positive after a large check from Taylor Farms to the Trump administration cleared.
So where does that leave the outbreak? Is there an outbreak at all? Is the FDA still investigating? We will have to wait to hear the answers to these questions, but in the meantime, a fascinating new possibility has come to light.
An FDA employee, speaking on the condition of anonymity, had this insight to offer: “Obviously the testing was flawed. There may not be an outbreak at all, or at least, not in the biological sense.” He went on to suggest that thousands of Americans were in fact choosing to soil themselves as a show of support for President Trump, a collective action harkening back to the trend of wearing solidarity ear bandages in the wake of the failed assassination attempt.
Speculation of gastrointestinal trouble has surrounded the president in recent months; proponents of the theory point to several hints of Trump’s bowel behavior, including a recent interview on Fox News where Trump appeared to be seated on an absorbent pad on top of a white couch and the uncanny phenomenon of those seated behind President Trump at various events finding their noses wrinkling in distaste.
So, are Americans soiling themselves in solidarity with the president? We were unable to find anyone who had done the deed, but an anonymous self-described “Trump Super-fan” wrote in with his take: “I think it’s really brave, what he’s doing for us. It’s a common thing when you get to be this age, it really shows how much of a regular guy he is. He just reeks of authenticity.”
Have you soiled yourself for the president? We’d love to hear from you and feature your stories in a future update! Until then, enjoy your Taylor Farms salads, sponsored by Taylor Farms!
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